Top 5 Reasons Christian Relationships fail

Let me just say, relationships are hard these days whether you’re Christian or not. But one would think that being a Christian would eliminate most of the problems we normally face in relationships right? WRONG!

Here are the Top 5 Reasons Christian Relationships Fail:

Unrealistic Expectations

Because you met them in church, they’re a ministry leader, or a man/ woman who loves the Lord, you expect for them to be perfect which is an unrealistic expectation.

The key to any successful relationship is having realistic expectations and boundaries. Communicate your expectations and boundaries to each other. Understand that even Christians make mistakes. We are not perfect. Make sure you’re not building a pedestal no one can reach.

Emotional baggage

Think of your emotions as a wound, and that your emotions need time to heal just as much as an actual cut would. It goes without saying that baggage will always affect your relationship at some point.

Unless you learn to deal with it in a healthy way, it will manifest itself in your relationship in one way or another. Don’t expect your next relationship to heal you. Take time to heal. You owe it to yourself, yourself future spouse, and God!

Pressure 

“Why are you single?” “You still haven’t found a man yet?” “So you’re just content with being alone for the rest of your life?” Our loved ones may mean well, but it’s comments/ questions like these that can leave single folks feeling less than. It can be hard being the only single chick in your circle, I get it!

But don’t rush into a relationship looking for validation. Wait on God! Be patient.

Unequally Yoked

A lot of people get into relationships thinking they can change or save someone. We set out to try to make this person “see the light”, make this person who we want them to be instead of accepting them for who they really are.  We try to make them desire Christ as much as we do. Which is good in theory but not in reality.

If you meet someone, you’re attracted to them, but the two of you are not equally yoked, there are ways that you can minister to that person without being romantically involved with that person. Let them evolve into the Christian God need to be before you become emotionally vested in a relationship that was built on a shaky foundation to begin with . Until then, guard your heart.

Settling/ Avoiding red flags

Sometimes we stay in a bad relationship way too long and we allow ourselves to endure heartache that very well could have been avoided had we had paid attention to the red flags.  Red flags are God’s warning signs for what’s to come. Many of us ignore these warnings and then suffer later. If God is showing you who this person is, take heed. If something is unsettling about this person, pay attention .

Pray for discernment, but you must also be willing to accept God’s answer even if it’s not the one you’re hoping for.

 

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4 Ways to better communicate with your Spouse

Four-step solution to the clam/crowbar predicament:

  1. Have three thirty-minute couple talk times each week. The man is responsible for scheduling these times and putting them on the calendar. Create a place in your home that is private, quiet, and comfortable with no distractions to talk—virtually all of your intimacy will occur during this time.
  2. The woman shares one-way and the man reflects what he hears.
    • Men struggle with female communication for two reasons: they feel that women talk so much that they get lost, and they feel that women expect an instant response.
    • Women: try to talk about one topic at a time, don’t expect him to respond, and categorize what you say into two buckets:
    • Maybe-he’ll-respond category. These are topics that interest you and that your man may or may not find interesting enough to give a response.
    • I-need-him-to-respond-topics. Always flag vital topics so your man knows that giving you a response is critical. Say something like, “Honey, this means a lot to me, and when you’re ready, I need your response.”
    • Men meanwhile need to respond with reflective listening. This lets your wife know that you actually understand what she is saying.
  3. The man processes and responds. Identify the topics that you find interesting and plan to respond to. Keep a pad of paper handy and write down what you plan to respond to at the next couples talk time.
  4. Talk about a topic three times. Between couple talk times come up with new reactions, new perspectives, and new emotions about the topic. Talking about one topic in one sitting will never get you intimacy. Talking about one topic in three sessions, with both of you doing further processing in between sittings, will get you intimacy.

Find full article and the radio broadcast HERE

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5 Verses to comfort those who struggle with singleness.

Below are five verses along with the opinions of Christian leaders that may comfort those who struggle with their singleness.

Mark 3:33-35

“And he answered them, ‘Who are my mother and my brothers?’ And looking about at those who sat around him, he said, ‘Here are my mother and my brothers! For whoever does the will of God, he is my brother and sister and mother.'”

Jesus never married, and in Ephesians 5, the Apostle Paul writes that the church is the bride of Christ. In a relationship as strong as romantic love and as close as family bonds, Jesus welcomes his disciples. As the Reverend Mark D. Roberts explained in a post countering the popular theories in The Da Vinci Code, “Jesus is more inclusive and counter-cultural than those who would tie Mary Magdalene’s significance primarily to her filling the traditional role of wife.”

Despite the Bible’s emphasis on the importance of marriage and the family, “the relationship that matters most of all is our relationship with Jesus Christ as his disciple,” Roberts concluded.

Hebrews 4:15

“For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weakness, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin.”

The Apostle Paul explained that Jesus Christ, the sinless savior of the world, was tempted “in every respect,” just as you are – that includes sexual temptation, explained Dr. Roger Barrier, founder and president of Preach It, Teach It, a Christian counseling site.

Hunt recalled teaching on singleness in a seminary in the Ukraine. When asked if a single person could be a pastor, a deacon, or even an elder, the seminary president emphatically said “no.” The counselor then shot back, “What a shame. So the Apostle Paul and Jesus couldn’t be a deacon or a pastor.”

I Corinthians 7:8-9

“Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion.”

In I Corinthians 7, Paul writes that unmarried people have more time to dedicate themselves to God. Mark Driscoll, founding pastor of Mars Hill Church in Seattle, explained that Paul advised against marriage “in view of the present distress,” likely referring to Christian persecution in the Roman Empire. He did not mean to say that singleness is always preferable to marriage.

Nevertheless, Driscoll argued, a season of singleness gives Christians the opportunity to draw nearer to God and reflect on Jesus, who represented the ideal single man.

Jeremiah 31:3

“I have loved you with an everlasting love, therefore I have continued by faithfulness to you.”

In this prophecy to Jeremiah, God promises to rebuild Israel and fulfill His promises. In a post on Purposeful Singleness, a blog geared toward inspiring and encouraging single Christians, Fern Horst quoted this passage along with a few others, as words to consider on Valentine’s Day “if we don’t have romantic love to celebrate.”

Horst also included other Old Testament promises:

“I will make you like my signet ring, for I have chosen you.” Haggai 2:23

“You will be called Sought After.” Isaiah 62:12

“You are precious and honored in my sight.” Isaiah 43:4

“See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands.” Isaiah 49:16

I Corinthians 13:4-7

“Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”

“If we are pursuing marriage we are pursuing the wrong thing because love then becomes subservient to marriage,” wrote John Fischer on Purposeful Singleness. Instead of trying to find their soul mate, single Christians should focus on loving others, and then prayerfully consider tying the knot later. “Marriage is not an end in itself…it is the servant of love.”

Full article can be found Here

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5 ways to bring up a Child in Christ

One of the great struggles we have today in the Church is preserving our children in the Orthodox Faith. Too often they seem not to be interested. Can we somehow motivate our kids to be excited about following Christ and being Orthodox Christians? I believe there is a way. It takes commitment and hard work, but it’s worth it.

1. Make Your Family Your Priority

More important than anything other than the Kingdom of God is our family. I believe if we’re going to raise Orthodox Christian families, our spouses and children have to be our highest priority, next to Christ and His Church.

For the believer, our journey with Christ and His Church always comes first. On that matter, the Scriptures are clear, the Fathers are clear, and the Liturgy is clear. At least four times each Sunday morning we call to mind our holy and blessed God-bearer and all the saints, saying, “Let us commit ourselves and each other and all our life to Christ our God.” Our relationship with God comes first, our commitment to our family comes next, and our dedication to our work is third.

As parents, we need to make a vice-grip-firm commitment that above job, above our social life, above all the things that vie for our time, we will prioritize our families.

If you’re busy, find a way to compensate. I made appointments with my children. If your time is in heavy demand and you don’t block out time for the kids, you’ll never see them. If someone calls and has to see you, you say, “You know, Joe, I’ve got an appointment. I can see you tomorrow.” You decide to prioritize your family.

2. Tell Your Children of God’s Faithfulness

In Deuteronomy 4, Moses is talking to the children of Israel about the importance of keeping God’s commandments. And then he speaks directly to parents and grandparents: “Only take heed to yourself, and diligently keep yourself, lest you forget the things your eyes have seen, and lest they depart from your heart all the days of your life. And teach them to your children and your grandchildren” (Deuteronomy 4:9).

Maybe you are a parent who came to Christ later in life and feel you didn’t do a good job spiritually with your kids, and now they have families of their own. Well, now you’ve got a crack at your grandkids! This opportunity does not mean that you become your grandchildren’s parent. But what you can do is tell those grandchildren what God has done for you, just like Moses says. Talk to them. If you’ve become more dedicated to Christ later in life, tell your grandkids about that. Tell them lessons that you’ve learned. Tell them real-life stories about God’s faithfulness and His mercy to you.

Moses goes on to explain the importance of such conversations by recalling what the Lord had said to him: “that they may learn to fear Me all the days they live on the earth, and that they may teach their children” (Deuteronomy 4:10). Children who are rightly taught the Word of God will teach their own children.

And that is the same spirit we tried to keep in family prayer. When the kids were little, we read Bible stories to them every night. We would pray together. We did that all the way through, and as they got older we encouraged them to say their own prayers at night.

3. Love Your Spouse

Thirdly-and I can’t stress this enough-we do our kids a favor when we love our spouses. Psychologists tell us that even more important than a child feeling love from parents is for that child to know mom and dad love each other. Kids know instinctively that if love in marriage breaks down, there’s not much left over for them.

The beautiful passage that describes this love is in Ephesians 5. It’s the passage that we read as the epistle at our Orthodox weddings. “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church”
(v. 25). That means, gentlemen, that we love her enough to die for her. We martyr ourselves to each other; that’s what the wedding crowns are about. I love my wife more than life itself. The crowns also speak of royalty. In my homily at the marriage of our younger son, I said, “Peter, treat her like a queen! Kristina, treat him like a king!” That arrangement works out really well.

4. Never Discipline Out of Anger

There are times when things go wrong, even badly wrong. I would love to tell you that none of our six kids ever missed a beat. Or that mom and dad were infallible. I don’t know of a family where that happens. I will say that on a sliding scale, three of our children were relatively easy to raise, three were more challenging. When some of them got stubborn in their teenage years, I would say to Marilyn, “Remember what we were like at that age? They’re no different than we were.” I was difficult as a teenager, and some of that showed up in our kids.

St. John said, “I have no greater joy than to hear that my children walk in truth” (3 John 4). The opposite of that is also true. There is no greater heartache than when our children do not walk in truth. We’ve had a few big bumps in our family. There were nights my wife and I were both in tears as we tried to sleep. We would say, “Lord, is there light at the end of this tunnel?”

One of the verses I memorized out of the Old Testament early in my own parenthood was Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, / And when he is old he will not depart from it.” Let me assure you, that promise from God is true. There were days I wondered whether our family would stand before the Lord fully intact. Thank God for repentance, forgiveness, restoration, and grace.

Two of my daughters have come to me independently as adults and thanked me for holding their hands when I corrected them. They both had friends whose dads embarrassed their daughters, disciplining in a way that was probably too strong. I encourage fathers to guard against a discipline or correction that engenders wrath in your children. After the correction, give them a hug and let them know you love them.There are times when a father may need to refrain from discipline on the spot because he is angry. Remember that line from “The Incredible Hulk”? “You won’t like me when I’m angry.” If that’s true for a cartoon character, how much more is it true for a real-life dad?

5. Help Your Children Discern God’s Will

Let’s look again at Proverbs 22:6: “Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it.” The phrase, “in the way he should go,” is not speaking of the way you want him to go. Rather, it’s the way God wants him to go. In other words, taking into account that child’s gifts, his emotional makeup, his personality, his intellect, his calling, you help him discern the path God has for him.

I’m really pleased that Peter Jon is a seminarian and that Wendy’s husband is an Orthodox deacon. But I’m no more pleased with them than I am with Greg, who is a marketing guy, or with Terri, who is a mom of five, or with Ginger and Heidi, who both work outside the home to help their husbands provide for their sons.

To repeat, our job as parents is to try to discern with our children what God wants them to do, and then train them in that way. Whether their calling is in business or law or retailing or service to the Church, I want them to be the best they can be, for the glory of God. And by the way, all of us are in the ministry of Christ by virtue of our baptism. We are ordained as His servants-lay or clergy. Therefore, whatever we do, our goal is to do it for the glory of God.

These, then, are the steps we have tried to take with our children. Thank God, these measures have produced good fruit. At our stage in life, it is wonderful with just the two of us at home to think back over the years and to thank the Lord for children, spouses, and grandchildren who are faithful. There is nothing like it.

That doesn’t mean there will never be any more problems. I’m naïve, but not naïve enough to believe that. There may be bumps yet to come in our lives. But as we confess at our weddings, “The prayers of parents establish the foundations of houses.” These years are not kickback time, but they are a time of thanksgiving.

May God grant you the joy in raising your family in Christ that we have known in raising ours.

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3 Ways to Know If An Open Door Is From God

Just because an opportunity presents itself, and it looks appealing, doesn’t necessarily mean it is from God. And likewise, just because an open door looks a little uncertain, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t walk through it.

The key is knowing how to discern if an opportunity is really an open door from God. I don’t want to miss those open doors because I was afraid to walk through them. But I also don’t want to take every opportunity that comes along, assuming it is from God’s hand and has his blessings attached.

In a recent conversation with a friend we talked about the faith and courage to walk through a door that God is holding open for us, even if we’re not exactly sure of what’s on the other side. But then the question came up: How can you tell if God is the one opening the door?

The Bible gives us some principles to help us discern if an “open door” or opportunity is really from God:

 

1. The Door that God Opens Will Never Contradict His Word

Many Christians see opportunities to make more money as an open door from God, even though the opportunity means a job that will keep them from regular fellowship or service in their church. However, God’s Word tells us not to neglect meeting together for worship (Hebrews 10:25). Some women have told me that they believe God opened a door to a dating relationship for them, even though it meant being in a situation where they were “unequally yoked” with an unbeliever, which Scripture also warns against (2 Corinthians 6:14). God will not lead you toward an opportunity that contradicts what he clearly says in his Word. Nor will he open a door that would require personal compromise or disobedience in order for you to enter. As humans prone to sin, we have an excellent way of turning a clear mandate of God’s completely around and justifying it by our circumstances, but that is not how God works. If there is a compromise in any way, or we have to bend Scripture to justify our “open door” then it is likely not a door that God is opening for us. I would call anything that contradicts his Word a temptation, rather than an open door from God. And God’s Word clearly says that God does not tempt us (James 1:13-14).

 

2. The Door that God Opens Will be Accompanied by Confirmation 

In Matthew 18:15-16, Jesus laid out instructions for confronting sin among believers saying “But if they will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses’.” I believe the same applies when it comes to God confirming something in his Word. He will often confirm or establish a matter by “two or three witnesses” whether they be verses from the Word of God, advice from a pastor or well-respected person who is grounded in Scripture, or a non-compromising circumstance that continues to present itself. Through prayer, discernment and seeking godly counsel, you should be able to tell if that “open door” and its confirmations are truly coming from God.

 

3. The Door God Opens Will Require You to Depend on Him

God is not going to give us something that will alienate us from him or make us believe we no longer need him. He is a God of relationship, and a God who insists upon being first in our lives (Matthew 6:33). Therefore, if you find yourself saying “I can’t do this unless God goes before me,” or “I can do this, but only with God’s help and leading” I would say, in my personal experience, it’s likely something God is calling you to do. Hebrews 11:6 says: “And without faith it is impossible to please him, for he who comes to God must believe that he is and that he is a rewarder of those who seek him.” Many times an “open door” from God is one that allows our faith to be stretched and strengthened. That, after all, is God’s objective for us: to grow in faith and Christ-likeness.

Take your opportunity or “open door” to God and ask for his confirmation – through his Word and godly counsel from others – and his peace in the decision, and you can have the assurance that you aren’t just choosing a door at random, but you’re carefully walking through the ones he wants you to enter.

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5 Ways To Know If A Job Is God’s Will

Vocation and profession have an important role to play in fulfilling God’s purposes and plans in our life. They’re not everything, but they are an important factor. When God created man, He gave him the privilege of work in His Garden.

Genesis 1:28 says, “And God blessed them. And God said to them, ‘Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.'”

Earthly professions are not simply a means to make ends meet, but also our opportunity to participate in God’s work here on earth.

But how do we know if a certain career path – whether that’s one you are currently on or one you are planning to enter – is God’s will for us or not? Here are five signs that a certain job is really what God is calling us into.

It Glorifies God. The chief end of any profession is the glory of God and the advancement of His kingdom. Do our jobs or the jobs we plan to enter into honor God and His commandments? Does the way we carry them out show integrity and the fear of the Lord? The one necessity to every job is that it is to glorify God.

You Enjoy Your Job. God gives us work not simply as a duty, but in many ways also to be a delight. That’s not to say that our feelings should be the primary indicator of God’s blessing over it. Sometimes it’s also a matter of learning to love what you do and coming to terms with the value that is behind it.

You Are Good At It and Continue To Become Better At It. Anything and everything God calls us into will not just be enjoyable, but something we actually have the gift and skill for. God wants us to work excellently at what we do and one way He makes sure of that is by matching us to a profession where we maximize the talents He gives us.

It brings financial reward. The reality is that our jobs are God’s primary way of providing for our daily needs. Unless a job is meeting your financial needs, it cannot be sustainable. God is planning for the long term and for that to happen, your job must be sustainable and one that involves being fairly and adequately compensated monetarily.

Your Profession Blesses Others. More than just being a blessing to us, our jobs are intended also to bless people around you. Does your job bless your boss, co-workers, clients, and family? If it does then that’s a good sign that you are where God wants you to be.

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Those who flourish in ministry are intentional about their well-being

Challenges are part of any ministry, yet some clergy thrive despite the inevitable setbacks. New research shows that their keys to success can be boiled down to a few simple strategies available to anyone.

Some clergy seem to rise above the fray.

They face the same sorts of challenges that are present in any church: critical congregants, hectic schedules, pressure to devote more time to others and thus minimal time to caring for themselves. They don’t always get it right; in fact, they’ll say they are far from having it all figured out. Yet they’re flourishing in ministry.

What sets them apart?

In a recent study, researchers at the Clergy Health Initiative at Duke Divinity School (link is external) interviewed 52 church-appointed pastors about their daily lives and how they approach challenges, and invited them to complete a series of surveys and maintain a daily activity log for one week.

The participants were selected based on their responses to an earlier study of the predictors of positive and negative mental health in clergy, through which they had answered questions about components of positive mental health. Among the participants were clergy who had been identified as flourishing, with positive mental health scores at the highest levels, and those identified as languishing, with scores in the bottom third of the continuum.

When the researchers compared the new data from these two sets of pastors, they noticed important differences in how the two groups take care of themselves and orient their work. One factor stood out above the rest, however: flourishers attend to their well-being (link is external). In fact, the researchers found that 94 percent of clergy with flourishing mental health are intentional about spending time on personal care such as exercise, prayer, family relationships and hobbies.

The good news: the strategies they employ to achieve this balance are available to everyone, clergy and laity alike. These strategies can form a playbook of sorts for how to attain positive mental health.

“Some people, including some clergy, still feel that the very nature of clergy work sets pastors apart — that above all else, pastors are called to serve, so the human need to attend to oneself shouldn’t apply,” said Rae Jean Proeschold-Bell, the research director for the Clergy Health Initiative. “But this just doesn’t hold up. The flourishing pastors’ beliefs and actions show that applying intentionality and nurturing relationships with friends and family actually make all the difference.”

Flourishing clergy focus on working in alignment with God.

Strategy 1: Remember who it is that you serve.

Rather than looking for praise from the pews, aim to derive your sense of success from knowing you’re doing your all to enact the work God has called you to. Also, keep in mind that you are participating in a process — you are working with God, and God alone sees the full picture.

Strategy 2: Discern, discern, discern.

Create time for spiritual disciplines like prayer and Bible study to understand the work God is calling you to do.

Flourishing clergy are proactive and flexible in taking care of their physical and mental health.

Strategy 3: Prioritize healthy behaviors.

There is tremendous pressure to eat what is offered to you at church gatherings. Remind yourself that your congregants don’t want to make you unhealthy. Take smaller portions, and don’t feel awkward about it. Go to the doctor regularly; get annual checkups. Get outside. Ride bikes, play golf, or go for a walk every day and set a goal for the number of steps you want to log. Make healthy activities a priority, but also be flexible about how you incorporate those health behaviors into your daily routine. Pastors’ lives are too unpredictable to keep to the same habits all the time, but that doesn’t mean you have to dismiss your health goals.

Strategy 4: Invest in spiritual care.

Start each day by reading the Bible. If you’re traveling and can’t read along the way, listen to a devotion on an MP3 player or mobile device. Set aside time for prayer and one-on-one communion with God. Keep a regular Sabbath.

Strategy 5: Make time for personal interests.

In addition to pursuing the activities you care about, look for opportunities to incorporate them into your ministry.

Flourishing clergy are intentional about setting boundaries around their work and personal lives.

Strategy 6: Pick the time that works for you.

Schedule activities in functional blocks. Pick one night of the week when you will attend nighttime church meetings, and urge others to use this as a basis for scheduling. Set “office hours” for when you will be available at the church each week.

Strategy 7: Use space creatively.

One pastor described taking regular “office hours” in a local McDonald’s. This allows him to have space outside the church to connect with church members, as well as the broader community. To create distance from their work on an afternoon off, some pastors recommend going out of town — even if it’s only as far as the next town.

Strategy 8: Communicate clearly and regularly.

If you keep a Sabbath, include that information in the signature of your emails. If you have to say no to a request on your day off, offer an alternate time to help. Ask your congregants, staff and other key people about their top priorities for you, and share your own. Then discuss where your expectations diverge. Being honest about your gifts and limitations as a leader is important.

Strategy 9: Manage your technology.

Some pastors set a stop time every evening, after which they do not pick up incoming calls. These clergy say they check their voicemail and will respond if there’s an emergency, but by waiting for a message, they can determine whether a request needs to be addressed during off hours. Work with another pastor or spiritual leader who can be “on call” when you are off or away. Include that person’s contact information in your automatic email reply and your outgoing voicemail message.

Flourishing clergy nourish friendships and mutual relationships.

Strategy 10: Find support from other clergy.

Identify another pastor who can serve as a mentor. Form or join a peer or covenant group. Find at least one person in whom you can confide and from whom you can draw support in the face of ministerial and personal challenges.

Strategy 11: Seek out emotional support from family and friends.

Meet a friend for lunch, especially if you feel yourself getting down or low on energy. Create an annual ritual, such as a retreat with friends, to maintain important connections. Make yourself accountable to a close friend or spouse who knows the day-to-day stresses you’re facing; help each other maintain boundaries and healthy practices.

Those who set priorities and adjust their plans to attend to those priorities on a near-daily basis aren’t undone when difficult circumstances arise; they find their way through. They embrace challenges. They avoid symptoms of depression, anxiety and burnout. They flourish.

“If you’re wondering whether these basic strategies make a difference, they do,” Proeschold-Bell said. “Even though they sound like good common sense, they are hard to enact — but worth it. They are what differentiated flourishing pastors.”

Originally posted Here

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Pastors and Alcohol

Is ministry a place to drink?

A question has come up quite a bit lately. People want to know if there is a standard for pastoral leadership within the church that would include abstinence from alcohol. It is not my intention to look at the first miracle of Jesus turning water into wine or to build a case for the water-to-wine ratio or any such thing. I am not attempting to dissect every angle of this matter but simply want to take a practical look at the subject and share a perspective. I am not saying every person must agree with my perspective; however, I am hopeful that a fresh view may encourage someone in pastoral ministry to think about their decisions and how such choices could potentially affect others. All that said, let’s consider what the Word of God says on the matter.

Drunkenness: There is absolutely no doubt that the Bible forbids drunkenness. Read the following passages to name a few: Isa.5:11, Prov.23:20, Rom.13:13, Gal.5:19, Eph.5:18. My question is how do you know if you’re actually inebriated and have crossed the line? I love what I heard Pastor Greg Laurie say on this: “You’ll never have to be concerned about falling into the sin of drunkenness if you never have a drink.” So, why take the chance?

In the Old Testament we find those who would take a Nazarite vow. According to Numbers 6, during the time of this vow people would refrain from wine. In Leviticus 10:9, we find priests refraining from wine when ministering in the tabernacle as the Lord did not want their judgment to be clouded in any way. In fact, the prophet Amos rebuked the nation when he said, “I raised up some of your sons as prophets, and some of your young men as Nazarites. Is it not so ‘O you children of Israel, says the Lord? But you gave the Nazarites wine to drink, and commanded the prophets saying, ‘Do not prophesy,’” Amos 2:11-12. How tragic that these young men had a calling upon their lives, yet were encouraged to drink wine, ultimately hindering their calling to prophecy.

In the New Testament some of the debate over pastoral liberties comes from the meaning of Apostle Paul’s reference in 1 Timothy 3 where he lists the qualifications for a Bishop (overseer, elder, pastor). Paul writes that a man should be blameless or above reproach in the way he lives his life. Paul states in 1 Timothy 3:3: A bishop is not to be given to wine. Upon close examination of the original Greek word paroinos, we find various scholars and commentators on the subject splitting grammatical hairs of what the word actually means and does not mean. But the question is then raised, Was Paul saying we should abstain completely or was he saying a pastor has liberty as long as he is not given over to it? Again, I am not one to debate the finer points of the Greek language, but rather share why I believe it could be a danger and hindrance to a pastor’s ministry. Thus, the reason I personally choose to refrain from the consumption of alcohol.

The Old Life: When I think of alcohol, whether that means one drink or many, the idea represents the old life before I knew Jesus. But when I came to Jesus I put away drinking because to me it was representative of the old man I once was. Why would I want to go back? I wouldn’t and I don’t.

The Observation of Devastation: In all the years I have pastored I can tell you I have never once seen anything good come from alcohol. Rather, I have seen violence, divorce, loss, devastation, drug abuse, abortions, unwed mothers, tragic accidents and death, all a result of intoxication. A recent survey I read stated that one of seven people who drink become alcoholics. Their spiral may have started with one drink, which led to the next and so forth. Most people I have counseled who are given over to alcohol never thought about a downward spiral. They never expected that first drink would lead to a divorce, child support, rehab, DUIs and more.

Let me pose a question: “Would you keep a dog in your house that severely bit one of seven people who came into your house?” Did you know that 1,700 college students die every year from alcohol poisoning? I am certain most thought they could handle it. To put this into perspective, 1,700 college students is equivalent to four jumbo jets full of people.

The Potential to Stumble Others: As a pastor, I realize my calling has a great amount of influence within the lives of people. That responsibility is something I take very seriously and seek to walk in the fear of the Lord in how I live my life before my God and people. For example, if I was a social drinker and say seven people decided to follow my example with one of seven becoming an alcoholic ending their life in total destruction, is that a risk I am willing to take? NO WAY! I find it troubling today that the oft-used phrase, “in the privacy of your own home,” is used to justify drinking, even for pastors It’s all good as long as it’s in the “privacy of your own home.” But how far is that reasoning carried? What else could potentially fall under that category? To shed light on this subject, first of all, it’s not my home; it’s Jesus’ home. Furthermore, as a father I have always considered my children within our home. Forget for the moment that I am a pastor; I am also a husband and father. I don’t want to go down the road of justifying what I do at home versus what I do when I’m outside the home. I know me; I could easily fall into that trap.

Not Legalism but Wisdom: Undoubtedly, there are people on the other side of this discussion who may even go so far as to call me the “weaker brother or legalist.” That is something I am willing to live with. As I personally weigh the consequences of a decision on this subject “for me” it is clear; I don’t want alcohol and a lot of other things to be part of my life and ministry. Furthermore, as pastor of Calvary Chapel SJC I encourage all our young men in leadership who have a desire to become pastors to take the same stance. Also, I encourage our congregation in the same way. Although the flock may have the liberty, I urge them to be careful that the liberty does not become a cloak for sin. A little leaven can potentially spoil the whole lump. Or worse, that we would stumble someone with our liberty, whether in the privacy of our own home or in the public eye.

Galatians 5:13: For you brethren have been called to liberty, only do not use liberty as an opportunity for the flesh, but through love serve one another.

 

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5 Communication Tools That Can Save Your Marriage

We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage.

One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, “What’s for dinner?” She would hear, “I can’t believe you haven’t prepared dinner again tonight!”

She would say, “What time are you coming home?” I would hear, “You better get here and help me because you’re never here.”

We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming.

In counseling we began learning about intentional communication. I remember thinking, “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. This stuff is so simple … I can’t believe I’m paying this guy for this.”

But, once I got off of my high horse, I realized something very simple yet profound: If communication was really that simple, everyone would be doing it and all of our communication would glorify God and reflect His image (1 Peter 4:11; Ephesians 4:29). Glorifying God did not describe my communication, and it may not describe yours either. In fact, many of us struggle to communicate well even with those we love the most: our siblings, our parents, our children, our spouse.

The road I took to learn about communication was a tough one. Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart.

 

  1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

You may feel it’s okay to strike at someone verbally because, “He is picking a fight with me.” You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

The implications of following Jesus’ example were huge. My wife’s sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it.

 

  1. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.

A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.

You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it’s a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it’s your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations.

During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina’s legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.)

As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. We found what I’m certain you’ll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep touching or to stop touching so we could keep fighting.

This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.

 

  1. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.

The book of Proverbs tells us, “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (15:23).

Typically, the first opportunity Gina and I have to talk about the day is at dinner. We often take time then to catch up. With four young children, our dinner table is an active and busy one. Consequently, we cannot practically have an extended and meaningful conversation.

So, if something has occurred that I must discuss with Gina, I will wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner is to invite frustration and ineffectiveness.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios where we’re more likely to fail.

Gina is a very intentional homemaker and often has wonderful ideas on how to better serve our family. Let’s say she is contemplating a new approach to family dining. She’s been thinking through this for weeks and she’s now ready to get my input. This is a very good thing—but probably not at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon when I’m watching a football game.

I’m also prone to fall into the poor timing trap. For example, Gina and I could be downstairs enjoying normal conversation. We head upstairs at 11:30 p.m. and Gina is ready for bed. As the lights go out, I ask, “What do you think God is doing with the children?” This is a question Gina would love for me to ask … about three hours earlier. When 11:30 comes, she’s ready for bed—not an extensive discussion.

There are times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game goes off and we talk. Or, the lights go back on and we’re up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather than the rule. The majority of the time, we should be more strategic in the timing of our conversations.

Are you a “share your feelings” type of communicator or “Just the facts?” We share about this and more proven tips for communication at the Weekend To Remember getaway. Find out which one you are!

 

  1. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, “Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge.”

Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you’re not sure if your spouse is getting what you’re talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: “What do you mean by that?”

Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: “So, what I hear you saying is …” or, “Are you saying … ?” Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you’ve said.

As we learned this principle, I often didn’t like Gina’s negative or inaccurate summaries of my statements. So, I defended them and failed to allow her the freedom to speak honestly. In time, I learned that her summaries actually were quite accurate; my reactions were negative because I didn’t like how they exposed me.

The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring.

 

  1. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.

This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We’ve become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by.

No matter what principle you might be using at the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond prayer. I have tended to overestimate my own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evidenced in our first year of marriage.

We will eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God’s intended purpose for it, we have a choice: Will we be puffed up with pride or will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem our conversation?

I wish someone would have shared with me what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer:

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came … Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.

One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing.

We learned an easy fix to this … start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you’ll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.

 

The transformation never ends

As a result of God’s grace intersecting with these principles, communication is now among the greatest strengths of our marriage. It’s not that we don’t still mess up—we do. Thankfully, God continues to work on me. He’ll continue to work on you, too.

At one time, I was convinced that I married the wrong woman. She was convinced she married the wrong man. Now, we cannot imagine knowing, loving, or enjoying anyone more than we do each other.

Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we’re willing to apply some intentional principles. We’ve all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.

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25 Maximums to Help You Plan

If you review these maximums consistently, I’m sure you will live a life that matters.

I suggest that you use these maximums as your personal checklist. Check them periodically to see the items you need to improve, and make a personal commitment to apply them. Over time, you can measure your progress in applying these. If they are consequently applied it will result in a life that matters.

So here are the 25 maximums to help you live a life that matters:

1.    Discover what matters to you – Plan it
Success overall has less to do with finding the best idea, organizational structure, or life model, than with discovering what matters to you. A Christ centered life is the best place to start.

2.    Have the courage to do what matters – Make changes
You create enduring success not because you are perfect or lucky but because you have the courage to do what matters to you.

3.    Don’t strictly rely on others’ approval – Please the Lord first
Successful people don’t rely on the approval of everyone to pursue their cause or calling. They are more emotionally committed to doing what they love than being loved by others. We do need godly counselors but not the opinion of people who have little wisdom or care for us.

4.    Redefine success – A godly life that makes an impact
The real definition of success is a life and work that bring personal fulfillment and lasting relationships and makes a difference in the world in which they live.

5.    Don’t chase money and recognition – Seek the Kingdom of God
Money and recognition are just outcomes of passionately working often on an entirely different objective that is often a personal cause or calling.

6.    Recognize signs of passion – Use your passion to bless others
Achievers become lovers of an idea they are passionate about for years and years. They lose track of the passage of time while doing it. In a real sense, it’s something that they’d be willing to do for free, for its own sake. This may be something you will regret if you don’t pursue it at least a little bit.

7.    Worry more about being what you love – Fear God more than man
Most of us worry more about being loved than being what we love. Being a people pleaser causes drift.

8.    Check regularly whether you’re on the right track – Search me Oh God.
Planning always takes periodic adjustments to get you where you want to be.  Don’t be afraid to tweak your plan from time to time.

9.    Find your mission in life – What is your part in His plan?
To find your mission in life is to discover the intersection between your heart’s deep gladness and the Lord’s perfect plan.

10.    Find place for your multiple passions – Plug into church and society
You do need to find a place for everything that is meaningful to you. When you exclude all other things except a single focus for your life, there is a danger that you might find it impossible to locate the real treasure.

11.    Experiment with your other passions – Seek, ask and knock
Carve out a little time each week to experiment in some way with one of your other passions.

12.    Never retire from what you love – You are always valuable unless you quit
Godly passions create meaning in our lives. It usually builds a legacy and memories.

13.    Be yourself – Live your unique God plan
You shouldn’t hijack someone else’s life plan system. Seek your plan by prayer.

14.    Do what matters despite popularity or political correctness – Go what is right before God
Doing things despite the political correctness of the path is the price of admission to almost every enduring life of lasting impact. Do what is right not what is popular or politically correct.

15.    Have passion, determination, and skill – Be diligent
Life takes passion, determination, and skill. You can’t skip any of those three and expect to enjoy success that lasts.

16.    Be greedy to acquire knowledge for your dream – Seek wisdom
If you should be greedy about anything, it should be about acquiring “intellectual capital” for your dream. Get wisdom and knowledge.

17.    Recognize when to move – Seek the Spirit’s guidance
When you find that striving for excellence is unreachable or joyless, you may need to move onto something else.  Fundamental things like marriage we should fight for but insignificant things can be left behind.

18.    Have the right attitude toward difficulties – Rely on the Lord
Having many difficulties perfects the person; having no difficulties ruins the person. Embrace difficulties with a plan and a passion to change one’s self.

19.    Make failure your friend – Learn in humility
Many highly accomplished people described themselves as so proficient at making mistakes that, if you didn’t know better, you might think they were losers. Enduringly successful people harvest failure. They become more resolute after losing a battle they believe in because they learn from the loss. Losers call it failure; winners call it learning.

20.    Always make new mistakes – Don’t be hearers only but doers
When you make mistakes, just be sure to make new ones. A plan helps avoid old mistakes.

21.    Have a prepared mind – Gentile as doves but shrewd as serpents
Only a prepared mind and open heart prevails. Being prepared give you a high degree of success.

22.    Have clear goals – Consider the ants
The godly use planning and goals – often big goals – to put themselves into a opportune position.

23.    Have explorer mentality – Don’t be an old wine skin
Be adventurous without ignoring the roadmap. Allow a little sightseeing on the way.

24.    Surround yourself with “godly producers” – Seek Godly counselors
Successful people spent the largest percentage of their time tracking down, surrounding themselves with, and developing the people who are “godly producers”.

25.    Get the inconsistent stuff out – Lose the meaningless
Alignment requires that you get out of your life all the stuff that is inconsistent with your passions and goal. That includes people, places, activities, and things. Choose wisely.

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