Top 5 Reasons Christian Relationships fail

Let me just say, relationships are hard these days whether you’re Christian or not. But one would think that being a Christian would eliminate most of the problems we normally face in relationships right? WRONG!

Here are the Top 5 Reasons Christian Relationships Fail:

Unrealistic Expectations

Because you met them in church, they’re a ministry leader, or a man/ woman who loves the Lord, you expect for them to be perfect which is an unrealistic expectation.

The key to any successful relationship is having realistic expectations and boundaries. Communicate your expectations and boundaries to each other. Understand that even Christians make mistakes. We are not perfect. Make sure you’re not building a pedestal no one can reach.

Emotional baggage

Think of your emotions as a wound, and that your emotions need time to heal just as much as an actual cut would. It goes without saying that baggage will always affect your relationship at some point.

Unless you learn to deal with it in a healthy way, it will manifest itself in your relationship in one way or another. Don’t expect your next relationship to heal you. Take time to heal. You owe it to yourself, yourself future spouse, and God!

Pressure 

“Why are you single?” “You still haven’t found a man yet?” “So you’re just content with being alone for the rest of your life?” Our loved ones may mean well, but it’s comments/ questions like these that can leave single folks feeling less than. It can be hard being the only single chick in your circle, I get it!

But don’t rush into a relationship looking for validation. Wait on God! Be patient.

Unequally Yoked

A lot of people get into relationships thinking they can change or save someone. We set out to try to make this person “see the light”, make this person who we want them to be instead of accepting them for who they really are.  We try to make them desire Christ as much as we do. Which is good in theory but not in reality.

If you meet someone, you’re attracted to them, but the two of you are not equally yoked, there are ways that you can minister to that person without being romantically involved with that person. Let them evolve into the Christian God need to be before you become emotionally vested in a relationship that was built on a shaky foundation to begin with . Until then, guard your heart.

Settling/ Avoiding red flags

Sometimes we stay in a bad relationship way too long and we allow ourselves to endure heartache that very well could have been avoided had we had paid attention to the red flags.  Red flags are God’s warning signs for what’s to come. Many of us ignore these warnings and then suffer later. If God is showing you who this person is, take heed. If something is unsettling about this person, pay attention .

Pray for discernment, but you must also be willing to accept God’s answer even if it’s not the one you’re hoping for.

 

Full Article can be found Here

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4 Ways to better communicate with your Spouse

Four-step solution to the clam/crowbar predicament:

  1. Have three thirty-minute couple talk times each week. The man is responsible for scheduling these times and putting them on the calendar. Create a place in your home that is private, quiet, and comfortable with no distractions to talk—virtually all of your intimacy will occur during this time.
  2. The woman shares one-way and the man reflects what he hears.
    • Men struggle with female communication for two reasons: they feel that women talk so much that they get lost, and they feel that women expect an instant response.
    • Women: try to talk about one topic at a time, don’t expect him to respond, and categorize what you say into two buckets:
    • Maybe-he’ll-respond category. These are topics that interest you and that your man may or may not find interesting enough to give a response.
    • I-need-him-to-respond-topics. Always flag vital topics so your man knows that giving you a response is critical. Say something like, “Honey, this means a lot to me, and when you’re ready, I need your response.”
    • Men meanwhile need to respond with reflective listening. This lets your wife know that you actually understand what she is saying.
  3. The man processes and responds. Identify the topics that you find interesting and plan to respond to. Keep a pad of paper handy and write down what you plan to respond to at the next couples talk time.
  4. Talk about a topic three times. Between couple talk times come up with new reactions, new perspectives, and new emotions about the topic. Talking about one topic in one sitting will never get you intimacy. Talking about one topic in three sessions, with both of you doing further processing in between sittings, will get you intimacy.

Find full article and the radio broadcast HERE

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Ten Ways Pastors Can Be Great Bosses

“There is no other person I would rather work for.”

“I enjoy my work and ministry so much, and the biggest reason is I serve under an incredible pastor.”

“My pastor rocks.”

Those are some of the laudatory comments we heard from church staff persons who serve under excellent pastors. In my previous post, I shared the top ten ways pastors can be bad bosses. In this article, I look at the positive perspective.

Here are the most frequent comments we heard from church staff. These are ten ways pastors can be great bosses.

  1. Cast a clear vision and path. “You have no doubt where he is leading our church and us. He is clear, articulate, and his vision is compelling.”
  2. Support other ministries. “As a children’s minister, I have served in churches where the pastor never says anything about our area. My pastor, though, is always lifting up my ministry and other ministries.”
  3. Create a fun atmosphere. “Those who serve on staff in local churches face many serious and challenging issues. I love the way our pastor encourages us to have fun and enjoy our work. I love the way he jokes around with us.”
  4. Provide a good role model and example. “Whether it’s work ethic or character issues, my pastor serves as an excellent role model. Even when I disagree with him, I never question his integrity or commitment.”
  5. Be decisive. “This pastor is the first I ever served under who does not hesitate to make a decision, even if it’s a tough decision. We are never left wondering if or when something will happen.”
  6. Include other staff as part of the team. “We have different responsibilities and ministries among our staff, but our pastor makes certain we see the big picture. He really helps us to feel like we are part of the team.”
  7. Have the back of your staff. “I knew what kind of boss I had the first time a cantankerous church member read him the riot act about me. My pastor let the church member know he supported me and respected me. I will never forget that.”
  8. Listen well. “He is really a rare leader. You know when you go to talk to him about something you have his full attention. He not only listens, he responds very well.”
  9. Support the staff member’s family. “I don’t know how he found out about our financial struggles. But my husband and I cried openly when he quietly gave us a check from funds he had collected from church members. I suspect he contributed a lot himself.”
  10. Communicate frequently and clearly. “Most leaders, pastors included, never communicate enough. That is not the case with my boss. We are always in the know. He actually worries about over-communication. I love it!”

Bad pastor bosses. Good pastors bosses. Those who serve under them have spoken clearly. May we who lead take their words to heart.

 

Originally posted Here

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Effectively Marketing Small Groups

Getting the news out about your groups

Great marketing has the power to move us and to change our routines.  Starbucks Coffee did this by marketing a new way of life thereby changing millions of American’s morning routine.  Starbucks made coffee drinking and going to coffee shops a lifestyle.

At the heart of it, marketing, especially church marketing, is about changing habits and replacing them with new ones.  And that is very spiritual.  Often church leaders shy away from marketing, thinking that it is less spiritual.  Often it is believed church events and activities should simply be announced.  Sometimes marketing is even perceived as manipulative.  But really marketing is about influencing the use of resources and personal habits and that is leadership.

So how do we effectively market small groups in a church?  First, it starts with an understanding that it is not so much about the individual small groups, the current group season, it is about the long view about becoming a culture.  Companies like Apple and Starbucks have a well understood culture and while they take risks, their risks fit who they are and their overall brand message.  Yes, we aren’t companies, but we have an even higher responsibility to keep the message clear and influence our church and community to take steps to grow in faith.  But that won’t happen if the message is unclear, if the immediate is the only focus, and if there is no longview for outcomes.  The first step in effectively marketing small groups is to know why you do them and what exactly you hope they accomplish.  This seems intuitive but churches have a variety of answers to those questions and if why and what aren’t clearly defined marketing the message of how, small groups will never be clear.

Once you are clear about that, there are some tips which will help you in your effort to market small groups.

  • Take Advantage of Natural Season.  In every culture there are natural seasons in which lend themselves to beginnings.  The contexts in which I currently minister much of life revolves around school calendars.  That means the fall is a prime time where families are thinking about commitments, calendars and the coming school year.  This is often when they are making their decisions about how they hope to spend their time over the next several months.  What they can invest time in and what they won’t be able to.  This is a time that must be leveraged for small groups.  Otherwise, time has often already been allowed to other areas and families simply don’t have the margin to join groups, no matter how great of an idea it might seem.
  • Potential Seasons to Leverage
    1. Fall – Beginning of School
    2. New Year – New Resolutions and New Beginnings
    3. Easter – Thinking about Spiritual Matters Again
    4. Seasons of Transition
    5. When People Newly Connect with Your Church
    6. When Individuals and Families Take Steps of Further Connecting
  • Share Stories.  People want to be part of something.  There are far too many things that simply occupy our time.  But just as Starbucks created a coffee shop culture where many Americans began to see themselves as coffee shop people, stories of small group life help individuals begin to see themselves as part of one.  Sharing Stories helps people see themselves in other’s stories.
  • Normalize It.  Make Small Groups part of the language of your church.  Encourage small group leaders and members to talk about their groups and group life.  You want people not in groups to feel like they’re missing out, like it is odd to be here and not be in a group.
  • Preach It!  Obviously, going back to the previous point, it can’t be truly normalized without being preached on Sundays.  It helps to have the senior pastor share stories from their small group experiences.
  • Consistently Communicate the Message.  While leveraging seasons is super important, consistency in your messaging is also vitally important.  Small Groups shouldn’t just be talked about a few times a year.  The message of groups should be layered in at different levels throughout the year.

The key is understanding your message and keeping that message in front of your church.  Capitalize on seasons with the message of groups using stories to connect.  With consistency over time you can create a culture of community in your church.

Posted by JW Hilliard on December 20, 2016 in Small Group Ideas, Small Group Leadership, Small Group Strategy

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5 Communication Tools That Can Save Your Marriage

We were blissfully in love and thrilled to be on our honeymoon. Then came day five—we had our first argument. That put us on a slippery slope moving swiftly toward desperation. Within the first nine months of our marriage, Gina and I were both convinced that we not only married the wrong person, but also were condemned to a loveless marriage.

One very tangible side effect of our difficulties was poor communication. I would ask, “What’s for dinner?” She would hear, “I can’t believe you haven’t prepared dinner again tonight!”

She would say, “What time are you coming home?” I would hear, “You better get here and help me because you’re never here.”

We could not express anything we wanted to. We resorted to hurting each other with our words. We did not build each other up … we tore each other down and caused deep, emotional pain. Quite honestly, we had endured so much hurt that we could not see any hope for ever communicating well. Our despair was overwhelming.

In counseling we began learning about intentional communication. I remember thinking, “That is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard. This stuff is so simple … I can’t believe I’m paying this guy for this.”

But, once I got off of my high horse, I realized something very simple yet profound: If communication was really that simple, everyone would be doing it and all of our communication would glorify God and reflect His image (1 Peter 4:11; Ephesians 4:29). Glorifying God did not describe my communication, and it may not describe yours either. In fact, many of us struggle to communicate well even with those we love the most: our siblings, our parents, our children, our spouse.

The road I took to learn about communication was a tough one. Here are some of the tools that helped transform my marriage and change my heart.

 

  1. The Principle of First Response: The course of a conflict is not determined by the person who initiates, but by the person who responds.

You may feel it’s okay to strike at someone verbally because, “He is picking a fight with me.” You may be correct, but that person does not have the power to decide whether a fight actually occurs. That power rests with the responder. As Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”

Jesus has a well-worn track record with the Principle of First Response. Recall the times that the Scribes and the Pharisees came to question Him. They were the initiators in nearly all of their communication. Their intention was to defraud Jesus and corner Him. In how many cases were they successful? None. They failed because the power to decide the direction of each conflict rested with Jesus, the responder (Luke 20:19-26).

The implications of following Jesus’ example were huge. My wife’s sin did not give me free license to sin in return. And conversely, my sin did not give Gina free license either. By following the principle of first response, we were being called to take a poorly spoken comment and redirect it.

 

  1. The Principle of Physical Touch: It is difficult to sin against someone while you are tenderly touching him or her.

A difficult time to apply this principle is after an argument has begun. However, a perfect time is when you know you are about to sit down and have a discussion about something that might lead to tension.

You know what those topics are in your marriage. Maybe it’s a conversation about a specific child. Maybe it’s your in-laws or your finances. For us, as you might imagine, it was when we sat down to talk about our communication. Those were tough conversations.

During these times, we would sit down and pray together … and touch. Usually we were at opposite ends of the couch with Gina’s legs stretched out across mine while I held them. (You may prefer holding hands or sitting close enough that you naturally touch.)

As we talked, we would inevitably notice something. When our conversation began to drift toward conflict, we stopped touching. We found what I’m certain you’ll find: It is very difficult to fight with someone you are tenderly touching. So, we had a choice at that point: to stop fighting so we could keep touching or to stop touching so we could keep fighting.

This type of tender touching has served us in two ways. First, it is a deterrent from arguing. Second, when we do drift into an argument, our physical separation is a visual and physical cue that our conversation is no longer glorifying God. We notice it, correct it, and get back on the right track.

 

  1. The Principle of Proper Timing: The success of a conversation can be maximized if the timing of the conversation is carefully chosen.

The book of Proverbs tells us, “A man finds joy in giving an apt reply—and how good is a timely word!” (15:23).

Typically, the first opportunity Gina and I have to talk about the day is at dinner. We often take time then to catch up. With four young children, our dinner table is an active and busy one. Consequently, we cannot practically have an extended and meaningful conversation.

So, if something has occurred that I must discuss with Gina, I will wait until the children are asleep. To bring it up during dinner is to invite frustration and ineffectiveness.

Let’s look at a couple of scenarios where we’re more likely to fail.

Gina is a very intentional homemaker and often has wonderful ideas on how to better serve our family. Let’s say she is contemplating a new approach to family dining. She’s been thinking through this for weeks and she’s now ready to get my input. This is a very good thing—but probably not at 1:30 on a Sunday afternoon when I’m watching a football game.

I’m also prone to fall into the poor timing trap. For example, Gina and I could be downstairs enjoying normal conversation. We head upstairs at 11:30 p.m. and Gina is ready for bed. As the lights go out, I ask, “What do you think God is doing with the children?” This is a question Gina would love for me to ask … about three hours earlier. When 11:30 comes, she’s ready for bed—not an extensive discussion.

There are times when a conversation is critical to have at that very moment. In those cases, of course, the football game goes off and we talk. Or, the lights go back on and we’re up until 2 a.m. However, those should be the exceptions rather than the rule. The majority of the time, we should be more strategic in the timing of our conversations.

Are you a “share your feelings” type of communicator or “Just the facts?” We share about this and more proven tips for communication at the Weekend To Remember getaway. Find out which one you are!

 

  1. The Principle of Mirroring: Understanding can be enhanced if we measure it often throughout a conversation.

The Scriptures inform us that, if we are to understand and become wise, we must be sure to incline our ears. Proverbs 22:17 states, “Incline your ear and hear the words of the wise, and apply your mind to my knowledge.”

Have you ever meant one thing by what you said but the person you were talking to heard something else? It can make for very frustrating communication. If you’re not sure if your spouse is getting what you’re talking about, check to see if you hear this phrase a lot: “What do you mean by that?”

Mirroring can help you test whether you are hearing your spouse properly. Once your spouse makes a point … repeat it to him or her. Say something like this: “So, what I hear you saying is …” or, “Are you saying … ?” Then, in your own words, tell your spouse what you understand to have been said. Then, the most important part of mirroring comes. You must allow your spouse to either affirm or correct what you’ve said.

As we learned this principle, I often didn’t like Gina’s negative or inaccurate summaries of my statements. So, I defended them and failed to allow her the freedom to speak honestly. In time, I learned that her summaries actually were quite accurate; my reactions were negative because I didn’t like how they exposed me.

The point of mirroring is not to be right, not to defend yourself, but to know that you are hearing accurately. If you seek to understand rather than to make yourself understood, then you are primed for success with the principle of mirroring.

 

  1. The Principle of Prayer: Success in communication is more likely when we invite God to be an active participant and guide.

This principle is not complicated, but it requires our close attention. We’ve become so accustomed to hearing about prayer that its importance often passes us by.

No matter what principle you might be using at the time or what subject you might be talking about, no scenario is beyond prayer. I have tended to overestimate my own ability to communicate well and righteously. That was evidenced in our first year of marriage.

We will eventually and inevitably sin in our communication with each other. When it begins to drift away from God’s intended purpose for it, we have a choice: Will we be puffed up with pride or will we have the humility to stop right where we are and ask God to help redeem our conversation?

I wish someone would have shared with me what late 19th and early 20th century evangelist R.A. Torrey said on prayer:

The reason why many fail in battle is because they wait until the hour of battle. The reason why others succeed is because they have gained their victory on their knees long before the battle came … Anticipate your battles; fight them on your knees before temptation comes, and you will always have victory.

One of the greatest difficulties that couples face with this principle is awkwardness. They are not used to praying together. So, as they begin to like each other less in the midst of unconstructive communication, the thought of praying together is not very appealing.

We learned an easy fix to this … start praying together. Begin with 30 seconds of prayer as you go to bed each night. Pray regularly as a family prior to eating. Pick one night a week to pray for your children, your pastor, and your marriage. Among the enormous benefits that you’ll see in your family, the regularity of prayer will make praying in the midst of communication breakdown more probable.

 

The transformation never ends

As a result of God’s grace intersecting with these principles, communication is now among the greatest strengths of our marriage. It’s not that we don’t still mess up—we do. Thankfully, God continues to work on me. He’ll continue to work on you, too.

At one time, I was convinced that I married the wrong woman. She was convinced she married the wrong man. Now, we cannot imagine knowing, loving, or enjoying anyone more than we do each other.

Your relationship with your spouse may differ from ours, but this much is true: Your spouse should be the single most important person you have in your life. Like it or not, communication is the tool that God has given us to knit our hearts and our minds together. Success is possible if we’re willing to apply some intentional principles. We’ve all been called to God-honoring communication. Step forward in humility and faith and watch Him transform you.

Original article can be found here

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Preparing a Three minute Testimony

Easy Steps to Give Your Testimony

The Reason  In 1 Peter 3:15, we are called to “…sanctify (set apart) the Lord God in your hearts, and always be ready to give a defense to everyone who asks you a reason for the hope that is in you, with meekness and fear…”

One of the most effective ways to be ready to give that defense is to be prepared ahead of time in case someone asks you why your life is different than theirs or what makes you different than others they know or in case God just brings someone who needs to hear.

You may have heard it said that you are a living letter for Jesus, a letter written not with ink and paper buy crafted by the Holy Spirit on the pages of your heart and life, (2 Cor 3:3) and your letter may be all of the Gospel that someone may ever read.  Sometimes you share by your everyday life and sometimes with words!  The three minute testimony has much benefit.

The three minute idea causes thoughts to be concise and keeps in mind the listener and how long they might be attentive and it helps in leaving out things that are not critical to your story.

The Purpose In preparing a brief and precise account of your own personal story of conversion and why you have hope, you have the help you need to simply and clearly share the interesting details of how, when and why you gave your life to Christ.  This serves as a “door opener,” not to be used to “convince” someone they need Jesus, but a means of getting people interested in thinking about Jesus and creating an openness to talking about Him after hearing what He’s done for us.

A Biblical Example In Acts 25 and 26 we find the Apostle Paul being brought before King Agrippa and the king said to Paul, “You are permitted to speak for yourself.”  As Paul spoke, his words were simple, logical and clear indicating his life before he met Christ, how he met Christ and what his life was like after Christ.  He stood there to give a defense of the hope that was in him.  His account of his conversion takes about three minutes to read aloud. You might read this account and use it as a guide for writing your own account of things.

The Contents – there are four main parts to your three minute testimony

1st Minute – Before meeting Jesus – a brief general statement of what your life was like before you met Jesus.  These are general facts; no gross details necessary. I was addicted, I was an alcoholic, etc; these actions stemming from deep inner unmet needs.  Things like – no purpose, no friends, feeling unloved, loneliness, meaninglessness to life, fear.

2nd Minute – How you met Jesus – this is where you would state the events and circumstances that brought about your conversion; the steps you took, a verse of Scripture that hit home, if something miraculous happened or perhaps the answered prayer. Paul’s witnessing of the brilliant light while traveling is an example of that.

You would want to include the gospel here – all have sinned, sin’s penalty, Jesus paid that penalty, must receive Jesus.

3rd Minute – After meeting Jesus – again a brief description of how your life has changed, what a difference He has made in your life, how He has filled the deep needs you had prior to becoming a Christian. Perhaps how you’ve found purpose in life in living for Jesus, and how you’d never change or go back to the old way of life.  You might share how life isn’t perfect and never will be, and there are difficulties – like Paul experienced, but instead of bitterness there is joy, instead of emptiness there is life, instead of fear there is peace, but that there are no regrets for having made this decision.  Most importantly that you know beyond a shadow of a doubt that you know that you have eternal life.

Call to Action – Ask them to take some form of action with you, perhaps it’s to attend church with you.  You might even agree to pick them up and take them with you or meet them there.  You might ask them how you might pray with them and even better ask them if they would pray with you to accept Jesus.

The Prayer God, I confess that I am a sinner, I am in need of a Savior, forgive me for my sins, come into my heart and fill me with Your Holy Spirit.

Helpful Hints to Writing

Pray that the Holy Spirit will guide you as you compile your testimony.

It’s not necessary to memorize the whole thing word for word, but perhaps memorizing key words and their order so your account is fluid and transitional.

Keep within the three minute time limit

Boldly speak about Jesus because He is the most important element of your testimony.

You might consider beginning your testimony with an attention getting sentence or story.

Be positive all the way through your account from beginning to the end and perhaps include the humorous too.

Be accurate – edit and rewrite if necessary.

 

The C.S. Lewis Institute offers the following tips for writing your three minute testimony.

 

  1. Make it sound conversational. Avoid literary sounding statements. Use informal language.
  1. Share about what happened to you, don’t preach about what should happen to them. Say “I” and “me,” not “you.” This helps keep the testimony warm and personal.
  1. Avoid religious words, phrases, and jargon.

Don’t assume the listener knows what you mean by terms such as sin, accepted Christ, or even Christian.

  1. Generalize so more people can identify with your story. Don’t name specific churches, denominations, or groups. Avoid using dates and ages.
  1. Include some humor and human interest.

When a person smiles or laughs, it reduces tension. Humor is disarming and increases attention.

  1. One or two word pictures increase interest.

Don’t just say, “Bill shared the gospel with me.” You might briefly describe the setting so a person listening can visualize it.

  1. Explain how Christ met or is meeting your deep inner needs, but do not communicate that all your struggles and problems ended at conversion.
  1. Sound adult, not juvenile. Reflect an adult point of view even if you were converted at an early age.
  1. Avoid dogmatic and mystical statements that skeptics can question, such as, “I prayed and God gave me a job,” or “God said to me.”
  1. Simplify—reduce “clutter.”

 

Remember that it is a privilege and an honor to share the things that Jesus has done for you with someone, to make the defense and give an account for your hope and faith.  This is the work that God’s words goes forth to accomplish and doesn’t come back void in its mission.

Remember too that the accuser of the brethren – Satan – has been cast down and, “They overcame him by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, and they did not love their lives to the death.” Revelation 12:10-11

 

 

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5 social media cautions for pastors

Earlier this year, Mark DeMoss, Founder of DeMoss Thinking/PR, addressed a group of 50 senior pastors on the topic of social media. As a well known Christian public relations guy, I expected a list of pros and cons. But Mark shared 30-minutes worth of cons only, focusing on the unintentional abuse of social media by leaders and the downsides of engagement without reflection. After a few days of ruminating on his insights, the following “cautions” are my re-articulated points of his advice to pastors.

Crucial caution #1: Beware of a gradual grip of narcissism. 

As someone who studies the brands of ministries and Christian leaders, Mark made a provocative statement. He noted that there is little difference sometimes between the social media of famous Christians and those just “famous for being famous.” While social media doesn’t change the heart or create narcissism, it certainly can be a tool to accelerate an unhealthy focus on self.

Crucial caution #2: Don’t let immediate emotions get the best of you.

The instant access to publishing on social media means that we can start “talking” in public while being frustrated and angry.

Crucial caution #3: Who will this benefit?

The question is, “Who is your constituency?” Who really is the designed beneficiary of your social media content. You? Your family? Your peers? Your congregation? Your “followers?” Is it the people who sit on the front line of your ministry or other pastors in your network? I think it is easy for pastors to post content that is positioning themselves rather than serving the people they lead.

To help calibrate the social media content for a pastor, Mark suggested asking this question: Would an unemployed person in your church, whose spouse is battling cancer, appreciate your post? 

Crucial caution #4: Manage content to minimize “dueling brands.”

It’s possible over time that the messaging of your social media feed starts to contradict your mission. What types of content create a disconnect from your true calling among the people in your sphere of social influence? To dramatize the reality that your social media is always emanating a brand, a message and a mission, Mark posed the scenario: What if the next time your were introduced, they pulled up your Instagram feed instead?” Would your most recent pictures and content be a suitable introduction? Would the mission and values of your life and ministry be present?

Crucial caution #5: Don’t respond to critics in the social media space.

Because Mark deals with crisis management, I thought his black and white advice on responding to critics was helpful: Don’t! Due to the public nature of social media and the inherent lack of accountability and control of people who can attack, manipulate and fabricate, he recommends not responding.

One humorous example Mark gave involved a pastor who was responding back and forth to a critic on Twitter. The pastor, with tens of thousands of followers, engaged in what become a social debate with the critic. The pastor soon realized that the critic only had a dozen followers. The critic was criticizing and no one was listening. No one was listening that is, until the pastor starting responding.

Originally posted here

 

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The Good and Bad in Church Communication

3 Top Church Communication Mistakes and How to Fix Them

 

Have you ever had a conversation where you thought you were being totally clear? Only to realize later, that the person you were talking to understood the conversation differently.

You both were talking about the same thing, but what was communicated was very different.

Unfortunately, church communications can be this way too.

I’ve had pastors share things like…

“We spent a bunch of money trying {insert great idea} but it didn’t work.”

“I can tell you what doesn’t work, but I have no idea what does.”

We’ve got great ministry ideas, and we’re working hard to connect people, but something isn’t working. We assume the issue is the event  or a lack of interest by the congregation.

The interesting part is, the “great idea” is seldom the problem. Other churches are doing similar things and having good responses.

More often then not, the issue is actually a communication challenge. What we think we’re saying and what the listener is hearing are two different things.

Thankfully, there are simple fixes to these communication challenges.

Here are 3 Top Church Communication Mistakes and How to Fix Them:

1) We Say Too Much

Please understand me on this. I’m not talking about saying less about the gospel. I’m talking about the volume of information we throw at people each week.

Our congregation and guests have limited bandwidth. We spend all week thinking about our ministry plans, but they haven’t. When we throw everything at them at once nothing sticks. A typical listener can only take in so much information before they shut down and stop listening.

Solution: Be intentional about what we share.

Pick the top 3-4 things in the life of your church and share about them well. This is best done with a calendar so you aren’t caught off guard as events approach.

A good rule is… a ministry opportunity needs to relate to 50% of those in attendance for you to share about it. If it doesn’t, you should find ways to share with just the people who need to hear it.

Example: Women’s Retreat – relates to 50%+ of Sunday morning attenders = Share

Men’s Woodworking Class – doesn’t relate to 50%+ of Sunday morning attenders = Find other ways to share with interested people

 

2) We Only Talk to Insiders

I recently found a “secret menu” for In-N-Out Burger (a California based fast food chain).

The menus includes creative ways to take their basic ingredients (burger, fries and drinks) and switch them up.

I’ve been going to In-N-Out for 20+ years and had no idea these options existed. I can get grilled onions on my burger and my wife can have a Lemon-Up (combo lemonade and 7-Up).

Why didn’t we know?

Because they haven’t printed the information on the menu board. The menu is so simple, you have to know what to ask for or they will serve it like they always have.

Unfortunately, we treat our church guests much the same. Assuming they have context and understanding about our church that they don’t have.

We announce events in ways insiders understand but guests don’t…

Join us for Bible Study on Wednesday in the MPR.

Guests need to know more.

Solution: Answer the questions guests would be asking . . .

  • Who is this event for for?
  • What time is it occuring?
  • What is the full name of the location?
  • Where would I find this room on campus?
  • Can my kids come too?

 Example: Life can be confusing! Join our adult Bible study as we talk through practical ways to gain wisdom and understanding. Wednesdays, 7 pm, Main Office Lobby. Child-care is available by reservation.

3) We Share Details With No Heart

The power of the Gospel is it’s ability to connect people to God. Broken people with real troubles, challenges, hopes and dreams. People who want something more from the life they are living and don’t want to waste time on trivial things.

Our guests come to church each week and we fill them in on all the “exciting ways to get involved.” But they don’t connect.

Why?

Because they approach every opportunity, subconsciously or not, with a mental question…

“What’s in it for me?”

They want to know what makes this opportunity something worth considering, and boring announcements with event details aren’t enough. Our guests are hungry for the solutions God offers. It’s our responsibility to show them.

 Solution: Highlight the benefit of attending and participating.

Go beyond the details and present examples of life change in your ministry. Look at: previous attenders, congregation members, your community. Share the way God has used the ministry in the past and the difference it can make for those in similar situations.

If your church is struggling with these church communication mistakes don’t worry. There is hope.

You can reverse the trend by doing one thing…

Solution: Say Less + With Greater Clarity + In Ways That Connect With People
Do it consistently and you will see growth in your congregation.

Neglect it and you will struggle to connect and retain new people.

Originally posted here

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